Dealing with Death

Ever since I first learned my wife was pregnant I started subscribing to the online newsletters from different baby sites. In the last Huggies newsletter they linked to an article titled "Dealing with Death" It's an article from iParenting Media by Mark Stackpole. I thought I would share part of it here as it fits what I have been talking about.

He shares a story about the loss of a fish and the coping on their 4 year old daughter. Below are some quote from his article.

• "There wasn't much we could do except talk to her about death. It was just a goldfish – how hard could it be?
  "Corinne, I have some bad news. Daddyfish died," I said.
  "Why? Was he sick?" she asked.
  "I don't know, honey, but he's gone."
  "Oh, no. Oh, no. That makes me sad."
  "It makes me sad, too, Baby. I'm very sorry."
  "I want to see him."
  
• "Just like Horton said, "A person's a person, no matter how small." A tiny speck to everyone else, Daddyfish was, well, Daddyfish. And we loved him. I cried for Daddyfish. I cried for Corinne. I selfishly cried for myself as I wondered how I would help her through future experiences like this. It is death that gives meaning to our finite lives. That doesn't make it any easier to say goodbye."
  
• "Parents misunderstand that children can understand that this loss is a permanent one," says Dr. Stephanie LaFarge, ... "They know that they miss their pet, but they also believe that he's still around somewhere. This is quite a significant moment, and it cannot be disguised or covered up. The first thing is to be honest, no matter what the age of the child. Be honest with yourself and with your child about what happened and what you are feeling." (Note by Clayton: I think this is extremely important to remember, that it doesn't matter the age of the child, be honest, always be honest with your kids. It's amazing how much they can understand and how they can know when you are being honest, and they will remember these truths through out their lives)
  
• "Though pets are certainly members of the family, no one consciously plans to use the death of a pet as "practice" for the larger losses of loved ones. That said, this is exactly what these situations are, and if parents can recognize that, they can teach their children a great deal about death." (Note: Remember this, most moments in life are moments we should use to teach our children.)
  
• "Through being honest and open, a parent can help the child develop a more positive perspective on a tragic situation, one that allows children to feel sad but not sacrifice all of the wonderful memories of their life with the pet. This outlook paves the way for a child to welcome another pet into her home and her heart."
  
• "If it's any consolation, Daddyfish, one fish wasn't enough to take your place – it took two to fill your aquarium. We'll miss you, but life goes on." (Note: I like how he acknowledged the fish here, we can feel the loss, but we can move on)

You can read the full article at this link - link.

At the bottom of the page there are other articles about helping children deal with death.